Handovers

Handovers–the physical and logistical arrangements necessary when children leave the care and responsibility of one parent for that of the other–are but one aspect of the transition process. There is no perfect handover routine which can be applied to all families, and even within a given family a successful routine will need to be modified over time. There are a few basics, however, which have served as valuable guidelines for many families, whether they are creating a handover routine for the first time, or determining what revisions are necessary to make one more satisfactory.

A good handover routine reduces the pressures and demands on the parent the kids are leaving, and maximizes the enjoyable time with the parent they are joining.

LOCATION:
The parent-to-parent handover of the children is likely to provoke acting out on their part, as well as offering an opportunity for the adults to vent lingering hostilities and to press more practical issues (e.g., “You never could be anywhere on time!” or “I suppose you expect me to wash their clothes and get their homework done now!” or “Why haven’t I received the support check?”). If these interactions are occurring in front of the children we advise avoiding parent-to-parent handovers whenever possible.

This is most easily managed if you agree that the pick-up or drop off will occur at a neutral, safe location where there are adults to watch out for the kids and activities in which they can participate. For example, dropping off at school or day-care works well after an overnight or weekend visit. For picking up, a church group, the day care center, school, or a library where the kids can go and wait without the parent are ideal. Such settings often take the pressure off choosing an exact time when traffic conditions or last minute work hassles may delay you. Children say they like this set-up. It gives them free time, a sense of control, and often an adjustment interlude which makes it easier to fit in with the arriving parent without the hesitancy felt after an immediate parting from the other parent.

MECHANISM:
Once you’ve established a suitable location, then you have more control over the greeting and the good-bye. In a neutral setting greetings tend to be more enthusiastic and leavings feel a little bit less like being shut out of your kids’ lives. Both children and parents are more comfortable if they are not being watched by the other parent, or trying to be sensitive to that person’s feelings.

Most of the entanglements happen during the drop off. Taking the kids to school or day care, or putting them on the school bus, is a normal activity for most parents and is quite tolerable, but when children have to be returned to the other parent, like an object being returned to the store, it is always painful as it highlights how abnormal the life after divorce really is.

1) Once a child is old enough to be in day care, the best routines avoid a direct parent-to-parent handover.

2) Scheduling times for pick up and return requires careful consideration of everyones commitments. Before you make compromises get input from the kids. Parents who make unilateral decisions often meet resistance and acting out.

3) Pick up times are usually set so the parent has the maximum possible time with the children, but that is not always wise. Giving them a window of free time between the end of school and meeting the parent offers children quiet time to ease the transition, time to spend with peers that may decrease competitive pressures on time together, and/or lets them complete their homework.

4) Partings from each other are less volatile if children are brought back to school/day care in the morning rather than returned directly to the other parent.

5) Neutral locations are the best when meeting the kids and/or returning them, e.g., school/day care, the library, school bus, community center, etc.

6) Neutral locations minimize the problems of getting the kids ready on time.

7) As the childrens interests and social groups change, the routine will have to be adapted.

8) No matter what the handover routine, there will be some awkwardness and hesitancy around reunions, and mixed emotions in anticipation of saying good-bye.

Condensed from Don’t Divorce Your Children (Lewis & Sammons, Contemporary 1999)