Minimizing the Trauma of Divorce for Children

Approximately one million children go through a parental divorce every year. But for these children, the trauma of the divorce begins way before the actual divorce takes place.

These children have to live through parental disagreements and anger before the divorce process is initiated and in many cases, throughout the divorce process. The aggressive and uncomfortable environment can last for several years, before, during and after the divorce is final.

The lack of respect often demonstrated by couples when they are in the process of splitting up, the anger and petty arguments and the transfer of the adult’s pain of the divorce onto the children can be a very traumatic experience. While the parents go through their own struggle, often they do not realize the damage their actions and behavior is causing to their children.

Despite the internal challenges parents face during the process of a divorce, they can take some steps to minimize the long-lasting effects of the divorce on their children. These include:

• Always listen to your children’s feelings about the divorce.
• Avoid engaging in a power struggle with your ex with respect to your children’s affections.
• Even if you hate your ex, never let this feeling be known to your children as children love their parents unconditionally and do not deal well with negative comments about one or the other.
• Do not use your children to deliver messages to your ex. Talk to him or her directly.
• Continue to promote a relationship between your children and your ex unless you have a valid and genuine reason to protect them from them.
• For children who are unable to deal with the divorce and your efforts have failed to help them, do not be afraid to seek therapy and include an objective third party to listen to your child’s concerns.

When they say divorce is between two adults, it is a completely accurate statement because children are too innocent to be dragged into a marital split-up. You can hate your ex all you want but do not let this hatred affect your children. Your children are your flesh and blood; not pawns to be used to gain an advantage or to hurt your ex.