The Death of a Dream

Getting a divorce is most often compared to a death in the family. In fact, statistics show that divorce ranks second only to the death of a child in terms of emotional turmoil, pain, and stress. In reality, a divorce is the death of a dream—a dream shared by two people hoping to create a life of happiness and fulfillment, a life where they would have children and grow old together. Unfortunately, when one, or both, of those individuals comes to the realization that their wonderful dream is over, life often becomes a nightmare.

Nobody marries with the expectation of failure. Married couples rarely contemplate that the person they just promised to love, honor, and obey might eventually become a stranger and perhaps even an enemy. Yet statistics paint an ugly picture. Approximately five out of ten first marriages today end in divorce. And the statistics for second marriages are even more grim.

When you buy a house, or a car, you don’t expect your house will burn down, or you will be involved in an automobile accident totaling your vehicle. Nonetheless, you purchase the requisite amount of homeowner’s or auto insurance to protect you in the case of an unanticipated catastrophe. Likewise, when two people get married, they don’t anticipate a divorce. However, the likelihood of your house burning down, or being involved in a car accident, is far less than the chances of splitting with your spouse. I like to think of the information in this book as “divorce insurance.”

As you will see from reading this book, if you wait until the divorce process has started to begin preparing for your divorce, it is too late; you will have already lost. The process of preparing for a divorce–or at least recognizing some of the important elements, and potential risks, procedures, and rules–must begin several years before the divorce has been initiated. For some people, that should mean starting to assess their situation as early as when they’re sipping Mai Tais on the beach on their honeymoon—seriously. Preparing for a divorce involves lengthy and painstaking financial and professional commitments, and the sooner you begin to understand what could be at stake, the better.

If you do some research and take some of the precautions outlined in this book at the outset of your marriage, then stay happily married for the rest of your life, great. All you’re out is some time and the cost of this book. But if you don’t prepare and the “D-word” rears its ugly head down the road, you could pay for it for a long, long time.

Anyone who has been through an acrimonious divorce can tell you the dissolution process is a high stakes game—a game that requires strategic planning and pinpoint execution. Unfortunately for the players, they’re not the ones controlling the board. It is often controlled by the judges, the experts, and most importantly, the attorneys. The soon-to-be-divorced couple is seemingly relegated to the status of pawns. Knowing the rules of the game can allow you to be a more proactive player and even come out on top.

Of course, divorce is not really a game. Far from it— divorce is a real-as-can-be experience that can have a deep impact on your life and the lives of your family. But as emotional as it can be, you need to start thinking about a divorce as a lawsuit, because tha is exactly what divorce is. It is a lawsuit involving property, spousal maintenance, child support, and custody. Unlike other lawsuits, however, a jury does not decide a divorce case; a divorce proceeding is a “court trial.” In other words, a judge decides your fate.

Now, just think about that for a moment: no jury of your peers, no suspenseful deliberation, no last-minute theatrics like those demonstrated by Matlock or Perry Mason. Real life divorce trials are very different from what you see on television or in the movies. In reality, a person wearing a black robe and wielding a gavel is given the power to decide the most important issues of your life: Who will have the custody of your children and how to divide the property you have worked your entire life to acquire. Don’t you think your divorce is worth some preparation?

The key to a successful outcome, whether it’s through a settlement or litigation, is preparation. The more prepared you are, the more likely you are to settle your case with a favorable outcome. Benjamin Franklin was correct when he said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” If you can begin getting ready for the possibility of a divorce while you are still happily married, you will be in a much better position when, and if, the divorce process begins.

I don’t condone underhanded tactics or dishonest behavior. That said, the first thing you will need to do after you purchase this book is find a good place to hide it. While it will likely become a valuable reference for you during the divorce process, the title may be somewhat offensive to your soon-tobe ex-spouse. More importantly, if you don’t want your husband or wife to have access to this valuable information, I’d suggest keeping the book at your place of employment or in a safe deposit box.

Look at it this way: If you never use the information in this book, there’s no need to worry your spouse by reading the book in his or her presence. And if you do move forward with divorce proceedings, it’ll be to your advantage not to share the tips and techniques I discuss.

A Question of Control

One of the greatest contributors to divorce is the issue of “control”—either financial or personal. Who controls the bank account? Who sets the social agenda? When one partner to a marriage “controls,” the other partner loses their sense of self. A divorce becomes imminent as the controlled partner tries to regain his or her self-esteem and decides they’d be better off without their spouse. The issue of control is equally as important when you are going through the divorce process. In other words, the person who controls the process will generally end up receiving more of what they want.

Hopefully, as you read this book, you will find ways you can take control of your own divorce before it even starts.